


Mac Meets Steven Seagal

by NestPlaster



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Steven Seagal (RPF) - Fandom
Genre: Astrophsyics, Bird Science, Called To Action, Disrupted Meditation, For Your Country, Garbage Strike, M/M, Power Bottom, Story within a Story, Voyeurism, aikido, exercise, hero - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 03:27:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12123519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NestPlaster/pseuds/NestPlaster





	1. Opening Title

**  
****10:34 AM**  
**On a Tuesday  
**Philidelphia, PA**  
**

 


	2. Opening

"OK, You're getting me a little tense here, you're sort of freaking me out, you might want to back off a bit."

Mac was agitated, bouncing on his heels slightly. The alley behind the bar was abandoned this early in the day; the rats sleeping under the dumpster, the hobos collecting the morning trash. This strange man was making him feel trapped, although of course he could fight free at a moments notice. Mac had three different combat strategies in mind already.

"Look, you don't understand," the man started.

"You don't understand!" Mac interjected. "You're making me nervous and I can't be held responsible for my actions when I'm nervous. I'm highly trained and these," he gestured vaguely at his arms, "might pop off before I have time for a conscious reaction."

"Mac," the man said calmly.

"I'm serious!" Mac shreiked, shoulders pivoting, knees locked for maximum power. "You need to respect where you're at here! This is gang turf!"

"Mac," the man said, "It's me, Steven Seagal. I need your help."

"Oh." Mac dropped his arms, a cocky grin covering his face. "Well, why didn't you say so?"


	3. Title

**  
"Mac Meets Steven Seagal"  
**

 


	4. Part One

"Wait, like the spaceman?" Charlie asked, leaning forward onto the bar. The rest of the gang leaned back, displaying maximum disinterest in the story.

"What?" Mac asked, shoulders back. "The spaceman? I said Steven Seagal!"

"He's thinking of Steven Hawking" said Dennis, leaning an arm across the back of his chair. "Charlie can't tell Stevens apart."

"The spaceman" clarified Charlie. "He visits black holes and learns their mysteries."

"Shut up Charlie" the gang says as a reflex. Charlie crosses his arms and sulks.

"Anyways," continues Mac, "I had to make a quick re-assessment. And it came up Seagal."  


* * *

  
"So," said Mac, leaning back into the couch and spreading his legs wide to display dominance. "You've heard of me? In, probably, action circles?"

"I know of," started Steven Seagal.

"Was it Project Badass?" interrupted Mac. "I knew it! The gang tried to tell me it was stupid but I knew the right people would be watching, if I kept doing awesome stunts, that's how this works, right? I display my power, and then"

"Mac." Steven Seagal cut in.

"Right, sorry, I'm just... it was Project Badass right?"

"Mac," Steven Seagal continued with the patience of a saint, "you came to my attention. Don't ask how or why, but know that your services are critical to a vital operation. To put it plainly, we need you."

"Well," Mac replied, "I mean, I have a lot of responsibilities here, with the bar and"  


* * *

  
"Wait" said Dee, "You mean to tell us that, in this situation, you would choose us over an action hero?"

"Dee," Mac explained, "you are all basically... tender newborn puppies. Without me to maintain bar security;" he stopped for a quick visual scan of the premise, "you would all be gone within a day. A day."

"Please kill me" Dennis pleaded to nobody in particular.

"So," Charlie asked smugly, "I presume he was watching through... the Hubble Telescope?"

"Just listen" Mac said excitedly, "then..."  


* * *

  
"Mac." Steven Seagal stood in the alley, arms crossed, legs spread. He seemed either unconcerned or unaware of the stench of the piled up garbage from the strike. "I assume you are aware of the notion of a ... power bottom?"

"Of course!" replied Mac. "They generate the power, in a gay relationship."

"Mac," continued Steven Seagal, "I have to confide in you." He stepped close, and the brick walls of they alley seemed to close in around his carefully cultivated mass. "My power ... is borrowed. Not stolen, but borrowed. Given really. Temporarily."

"By," Mac said hesitantly, unwilling to overextend himself while faced with a man of such power and stature.

"That's right." said Steven Seagal. "Borrowed, from power bottoms."

"Oh shit." said Mac.


	5. Part Two

"So..." said Dennis, letting the word hang over the empty bottles crowding the bar. "What you are telling us is, Steven Seagal -- the action hero -- approached you, in the alley behind the bar, for help."

"Yes!" said Mac excitedly.

"And," Dennis continued with no change in pacing, "Steven Seagal, the action hero, needed your services ... as a power bottom?"

"Look," Mac leaned forward across the bar intently, "I was as surprised as you were"

"Nobody is surprised." Dee interjected from her perch.

"It was surprising" continued Mac, "but national security was at stake."

"So," clarified Charlie after a careful pause, "bird booster technology is not as far along as we have been led to believe?"  


* * *

  
"So, yeah, just... make yourself at home." Mac gestured vaguely at the apartment. He was torn between relief that Dennis was not there, and regret that Dennis was not there to share in this moment.

"I ... have never been like you." Steven Seagal wandered the space with a mixed air of ownership and curiosity, before settling on a bookshelf. He reached behind the shelf and plucked out a wire between two fingers. "Mac," he said somberly, "This is a matter of national security." Atop the shelf, a tiny camera wobbled as the wire was manipulated.

"Of course." Mac replied in his most serious voice. "That's just Dennis. He doesn't have any cameras in my room... I mean I asked but he just looked at me with this expression and... I mean, he doesn't have any cameras in my room."

Steven Seagal sighed, his shoulders rounding for a moment. "The cause is just" he said, as much to himself as to Mac. "I do require your help. Your room... will have to suffice."

They opened the door, revealing a mattress on the floor behind the Ass Pounder 4000.

Mac smiled, as Steven Seagal let out a slow sigh.  


* * *

  
"Soooo," intoned Dee, "you still have the bike."

"Wait," interrupted Dennis, "Is this real? Did he... he didn't move the camera, did he? Because I put a lot of time into the angles -- it isn't easy to get full coverage of that space, especially with the island blocking the kitchen floor..."

Mac looked at the gang from across the bar, bottle clutched in his hand. "Of course this is real! I mean I didn't check on the camera but Steven Seagal is a professional I'm sure he wouldn't disrupt the positioning unless it was a matter of national security."

Dennis raised his hand, cutting Mac off. "No, no. I'll just have to check now. I hope you are happy about the night I'm about to spend re-calibrating the entire surveillance system because you had a tryst with a drunk from the alley you are convinced was Steven Seagal."

"So," said Charlie, filling the momentary silence. "When he reached out... was it a robot arm, or... does that mouth thing swivel out?"

"Guys" said Mac, hands raised in the air before him, "he was incredible."  


* * *

  
Steven Seagal sat cross legged on the floor, back to the Ass Pounder 4000. His arms rested lightly on his knees and his eyes were closed.

"So," said Mac from his reclined position on the mattress, "was that... I mean it was nice but... did you"

Steven Seagal raised one hand from his thigh, then slowly extended his index finger in a gesture pleading for silence.

"Right" said Mac, raising himself up on one arm, "Meditation is vital to gathering your strenght. But I mean, did you"

Steven Seagal thrust his finger forward slightly, chest rising and falling with one deep breath. His eyes remained closed.

"I just mean" continued Mac, "in terms of power... was that it? Because I feel like, I mean it was great but, I feel like maybe I have some more to generate."

Steven Seagal opened one eye, frowning.

"I mean," said Mac, smiling openly, "Maybe just a little more."

Steven Seagal dropped his hand to his side in resignation, his meditation clearly ruined.

"For America" said Mac, looking across the room and spreading his legs ever so slightly.


	6. Coda

Screams fill the air. Bodies writhe on the ground, limbs twisted in grotesque positions. The only person left on their feet is Steven Seagal, who looks across this plain of misery towards his foe.

"The universe contains wonders beyond our imagination," the villian says, after an eternity of meticulous data entry, "and my plan contains wonders beyond your imagination. You are too late. Ha. Ha. Ha." Dead eyes look towards Steven Seagal as the chair wheels slowly backwards.

The ground shakes as the missiles launch. Steven Seagal drops to his knees, hands clenched.


End file.
